S p o r t s How They Saved Baseball

By Dave Stinton When America learned that Major League Baseball was hurting financially, we immediately feared any number of apocalyptic worst-case scenarios. Major league stadiums would turn into crack dens and houses of ill repute. Baseball would only be played by armed thugs and communists. Major league players and management would become greedy and rich beyond the wildest dreams of most human beings, and still complain and posture with some demented sense of entitlement and persecution. But fear not. Commissioner Bud Selig and friends have found a way to make it work – with a few minor differences and a couple sacrifices expected of the fans. So here is the new Major League Baseball: A member of the new Exporioles TEN TEAMS (roster expanded to 80 players per team) The Red-Cub Devil-Reds The Exporioles The Brewjays The White-Tiger Twindians The Giant Padgers The Royal Astrocks The Rangelbacks The Marin-Philli-Metics The Brave Yank-Pirates The Marlinals FIVE STADIUMS The Rotatodome Fen-Phenway Park Hospitaliano Stadium Walt Disney’s The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh Coming Soon to DVD Field The Folgers Grounds OTHER CHANGES Tickets will cost $3,000. To inspire more homeruns, pitchers will do a shot after each inning. Before the batter’s box, a player stands in the on-deck circle. Before the on-deck circle, he will stand in the new "Autograph Alley." Each game will feature a celebrity guest catcher. Hooters will sponsor three bench-clearing brawls per game. Ballpark organs will operate on the jukebox model. "Free iPod Night" has been scrapped. To generate electricity for night games, spectators will take turns running on a giant hamster wheel. Baseball has undergone many changes in the 150 years since Abner Doubleday swatted a ball around that schoolyard in Cooperstown. Whatever doesn’t kill it will only make it more cost-effective.