R e s t a u r a n t R e v i e w The Clinically Depressed Food Critic This week's restuarant: Samuel's Bistro, 1139 North Orchard By Gregory Hartman

When you first approach Samuel’s Bistro, the first thing you notice is an overwhelming sense of your own worthlessness. "Will this," you ask yourself, "be another frustrating and clumsy meal, during which I’ll alternate between fighting back tears and massaging my aching temples?" Your fears are well-founded. The host wears a large artificial grin, which is a poor disguise for the loathing he feels for you. The room is filled with the claustrophobia-inducing murmur of diners who are normal and happy. The large windows in the dining room offer a bright view of the river of humanity that flows down the sidewalks of this neighborhood – a mere fraction of the population of the city, itself a fraction of the world population. You sit at your table with the realization that your life and death make no difference at all. Gregory Hartman recommends the Cabernet Sauvignon...but what does he know. I just wanted water, but my companion suggested we order a bottle of wine. She was right, of course. She always is. She ordered a Haut Bertinerie Bordeaux. I perused the menu. The boeuf bourguignonne sounded very good, but I didn’t know how to pronounce it, so I ordered a house salad. I’m such an idiot. The waiter could tell. He was very handsome and sure of himself. I wanted to tell him I was a restaurant critic, and he better treat me with some respect, but I’m not supposed to do that. I will murder that bastard every night in my dreams for humiliating me like that. He sure was impressed when my companion ordered the coq au vin. While waiting for the food to arrive, you have time to stare at your bread knife. They have very sharp ones here. The salad was bland and tasteless. Why can’t any restaurant in this town make a salad with some flavor in it? My companion, however, found her meal rich and delicious; the chicken was moist and fresh with a strong, but not overpowering, smoky accent of bacon. I think she’s having an affair. The meal was reasonably priced for a high-end French bistro. However, keep in mind the possibility that you’ll feel compelled to give the waiter an enormous tip – just to show him. My rating: * KEY **** - Excellent *** - Very Good ** - Fair * - Why Bother?