D V D R e v i e w Houston, we have a problem...counting By George Eckart

This month’s review for the Produce Section is the "Houston 500" DVD. When this was first handed to me by my editor as an assignment (or by my co-worker as a gag, I forget which,) I put it in my "to do" pile with many other videos, CD’s, books, bills and letters that I had been meaning to get to. I initially wrote it off as a collection of highlights from a recent NASCAR event. A few months later after I worked my way through a novel written by Ed Wood Jr. and cancelled my subscription to "Details" Magazine, I picked up the "Houston 500" DVD. As I looked closer, I realised that this video had nothing to do with auto racing at all. It was in fact, a pornography DVD. I laughed gently to myself at the thought that mere pornography would merit a top-shelf digital presentation. However, in reality, it costs considerably less to manufacture a DVD than a video cassette. The moving parts inside a video cassette (VHS or Beta) require more resources and equipment to put together. So, I guess a Triple XXX DVD is not so laughable. Based on the cover, it the story of a "world-record breaking" gangbang. The plot goes something like this: Houston (playing herself) has sex with 620 different men in one setting and one 36 hour sitting. Hence the title: "the Houston 500." I’m not sure exactly how there became a 120-man discrepancy but I would like to offer a few possible theories: 1) More men showed up than needed, so instead of turning them away the promoters caved in and allowed them to join in (and further set the record out of reach.) 2) 500 customers showed up, but many of the event staff were allowed to participate in lieu of a per diem 3) A paperwork gaffe I went over to my living room and put in the DVD at about 4 pm. I felt that this was the best time of the day to watch a porno DVD in order to minimize shame. In the evening or late at night would simply have been too embarrassing; as if I was trying to stimulate myself. Watching it in the morning would’ve looked really twisted; even in the eyes of actual perverts. I also had a pad of paper and a pencil with me to help eliminate any further self-consiousness. After all, I was merely reporting on this DVD even-handedly for a popular web-site. So at 4:03pm, I started watching. At first, I was a little disappointed that they didn’t offer up much in the way of a creative menu interface, director’s commentary, or bloopers. However, after looking at the running time, I figured that the viewer would not need supplemental material after 360 minutes of "the World’s Biggest Gang Bang." In fact after about 3 minutes, I felt like there was no need for the other 357. You see, Houston would perch on ottoman, spend approximately 1.73 minutes (screen time) with a man, and send him on his way. It was all very efficient…too efficient. There was no funky background music, no sexy lighting, and no foreplay. Men, in various states of undress, would stand around in a huge line. They would get a number and then be herded toward Houston. Porno superstar Ron Jeremy was the maitre d’etre of the affair. The whole event had the air of college registration day. People milling about, signing forms, taking tests, being shepherded around, exactly like my class sign-up experience except for the sex and the "fluffer" girls (their word, not mine.) These lesser-lights of adult films were there to keep the 500-620 men ready to go when their 3.484 (actual time) minutes with Houston came on. You could tell that some of these girls hoped that one day they would move from "fluffer girl" to get their own "620." Or at least a "500." It almost seemed as if the goal was to make one of humanities favorite activities and make it as boring as possible. Even while I was fast-forwarding the DVD, the Houston 500 seemed to drag on and on. Now, we come to the portion of the article where I give a rating and frankly, I am at a bit of loss of how to rate this DVD. I have only seen one porno movie before and it was also awful. It was called "Into the Gap" and it starred no one of renown. When I was in high school, a nameless friend of mine brought it home one day and thought it would be fun to watch. He was supposed to rent "Big Trouble in Little China" but he used a fake ID and secured this porno movie. He was so nervous that he didn’t spend anytime shopping around for a quality adult video and just grabbed the one nearest to the door. "Into the Gap" was awful. All I remember were flies all over the place. ALL OVER THE PLACE. But it was mercifully short. Which means I’m going to have to give "Into the Gap" one star. and "Houston 500" a half a star. This half a star is only due to the fact that "Brick Majors" appears in "Houston." That would probably be my porno name were it not already taken. This is on a scale from No Stars being the worst and an infinite amount of stars being the best (since I have yet to establish an upper limit for rating porn.)