o p i n i o n s Stop the Wedding! We cannot continue to dance around this issue! By Reginald Dewey Socialite Good evening. I recently had the unfortunate, and I do mean unfortunate, experience of attending one of your human weddings last weekend. There I was, dressed to the nines, expecting streamers, moist cake and romance, but what I got instead was a big ol’ slap to the kisser! How dare you treat me in such a manner, you weaker-halves of a centaur! I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lose my temper. I, after all, am a civilized fowl, unlike you barbaric thugs who invite a wide-eyed, innocent chicken to a wedding only to spit in his face! Again, I’m sorry. I’ll try to contain my mad-as-heck chicken rage. Anyhoo, I was at this "wedding," sipping a brandy at the bar, when out of the corner of my eye I witnessed the most god-awful, ridiculous dance I have ever laid eyes upon. People were gathered in a circle, shaking their butts, clapping their hands and singing na na na na na na na. Oh, my, it was a site! I laughed so hard I fell right off the barstool! When I finished laughing, and consequently, wiping the spilled drink off my cummerbund, I went to inquire as to the name of this most ludicrous dance. The answer both shocked and infuriated me. The name: THE CHICKEN DANCE! Have you no decency, you five-toed heathens?! Have you no shame?! Isn’t it bad enough that you deep-fry the majority of us in vats of hot oil every year?! Must you add insult to injury?! I mean, what… what gives?! What in the name of all that is holy gives?! I’m sorry. Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t stoop to your level. After all, somebody has to be the adult around here. Ahem, well, as you can imagine, I was so humiliated by this so-called "dance" that I quickly hid underneath the nearest table. It was there that I decided to come up with my own dance. A dance that would honor the human race just as much as your "Chicken Dance" honors us. Well, my friends -- and have no doubt that I’m being facetious when I say friends -- what you see below are the six steps to the latest barnyard wedding dance, aptly titled "The Human Dance." I wrote it on a cocktail napkin underneath that cursed wedding table, so forgive me if the illustration in Step 4 looks more like a teriyaki stain than it does a dance step. But enough namby-pamby chitchat. Here’s your dance. I think you’ll find it just as respectful to you humans as your "Chicken Dance" is to us. Enjoy. Of course, when I say enjoy, I am again being facetious. Enjoy. (See Above) Reginald Dewey is an independently wealthy free-range chicken.