o p i n i o n s

Moments in Love Timing is everything when it comes to romance, joke-telling By Brendan Gardiner They say people like a guy who cuts right to it, so here it is: I swear to God if I think of a great one-liner like I did last year on St. You-Know-Who's Day, I'm not going to sit on it until the moment is gone forever, like I did last year. It happened during my Valentine's Day party. The theme was Love, as you recall, and naturally it wasn't long before the subject came up. Actually, no, it was pretty long. In fact, no one mentioned it until about 12:45 a.m. But what the hell -- a party is going to be what it's going to be. Once you've hung the little heart lanterns and put that year's Love Mix on shuffle, it's out of your hands. So before you know it folks are talking about high school crushes, and my friend Ann's friend Jill, whom I had just met, described a level 8 (my term) crush she had on a senior named Steve when she was just a sophomore. They both did theater shows at the school, and Jill figured her best chance to get close to Steve would be by landing a role opposite him in ''Hello, Dolly!'' that spring. Steve was a cinch to land Cornelius Hackl. He was due, after being slighted the year before in ''Our Town.'' If Jill could just get the part of Irene Molloy, Cornelius's love interest who also happens to run a hat shop, the deal would be as good as done. Now, I noticed at this point in Jill's story that the kitchen was a little noisy and some people had started to drift. You might be, too, for all I know. It's a real shame you can't hear her tell it. She's such a knockout, which can put some people off, but not me! I find that girls I find very pretty are just my type. I paid even harder attention at that point to make up for the others, and Jill explained how some other girl got the part, and that the girl ended up going to the prom with Steve. Jill had lost him by not getting the part. It was then that the one-liner popped into my head. ''Who Wants to Be a Milliner?'' was the one-liner. ''Why didn't you say it?'' you ask. It seems perfect, I know. After all, a milliner is a hat-maker, and ''Millionaire'' was the hottest show going at the time. But to me the line had an unfinished quality, like a huge lumpy diamond that was stuck in my mouth. It was only after Ann launched into her story about dating a guy for a whole summer after hitting him with her boogie board that I thought to bookend it with ''Ah,'' and ''anyway.'' Folks, I had my one-liner, but the moment was passed. The moment was my Steve. Ironically, Jill accepted a ride home that night from a guy named Phillip. I say it was ironic because the names Steve and Phillip have always occupied a similar place in my brain. I learned my lesson well that night. Just throw the diamond out there, for God's sake. The two of you can fashion it into something beautiful later. Yes, if Valentine's Day perfectionism is your dragon like it is mine, then be St. Stephen and slay it. Hey, there's that name again! What's with that! By the way, there's been some talk about what people are planning to wear to the party this year. Although I'm calling it ''The St. Valentine's Day Massaquerade,'' that doesn't mean you get to dress like mafia thugs or dead people. Costumes should be tasteful and should touch on this year's theme and/or sub-theme: Love and Spontaneity, respectively. Read Brendan's related column from last year: Valentine's Day party.   Brendan Gardiner could go for a couple of sandwiches.