L e t t e r s Pledge-In-Progress

To avoid a speck of offensiveness or exclusion, scholars are combing over every word of the Pledge of Allegiance and editing the "problem areas." The Produce Section recently received a copy of the below memo, giving us an idea of where they are now in their deliberations. TO: The Pledge of Allegiance Maintenance Facilities Philadelphia, PA FROM: The Committee for Pledge Wrangling and Public Relations Washington, D.C. RE: Latest Questions, Directions, Word-By-Word Sirs and Madames: Please see our latest round of recommendations. Call with questions. I pledge (remove - may be taken as product placement for "The Pledge" starring Jack Nicholson) allegiance (sounds like "allergies" - negative connotation - remove or replace with "histamine blockers") to the flag (too literal - replace with something more ethereal/enigmatic? less burnable?) of the United States of America (some elderly Southerners take offence at "United" - New Yorkers would like something specific to their city - consider renaming the country or providing alternate versions for each region) and to the Republic (is there a synonym that doesn't sound like "Republican"? if not please delete) for which (Wiccan population is wary of this phrase) it stands (provide verbal "ramp" for wheelchairs - otherwise delete) one nation (is there a synonym that doesn't sound like "The Nation"? if not please delete) under God (taken care of) indivisible (can we promise this? do states qualify as "divisions"?) with liberty (contains "Bert" - let's avoid mentioning people by name) and justice (does "justice" cover vigilante killings? checking w legal) for all (approved as is)