L e t t e r s Even the Military Makes Mistakes

For various reasons, the Produce Section receives copies of many different letters or emails sent to companies, government organizations, and civilians. Here's one we received this month: General Tommy R. Franks From: General Tommy R. Franks At ease, soldiers. As you may have noticed, the US military has come under fire recently for accidentally bombing a number of innocent civilians in Afghanistan. To give you just one example, the New York Times reported on February 13, 2002, that a less-than-precise air strike in October might have killed 21 innocent people. That's 17 children, 3 women, and a man driving a tractor. Indeed. Well, needless to say, this has not been the best PR for the US military. No sir. In fact, it has been downright embarrassing. That's why from now on US warplanes will be dropping colorful leaflets after every erroneous bombing apologizing for the mistake. Each leaflet will contain a warmhearted message to help the remaining family members—if indeed there are any—deal with their unfortunate new loss. Leaflet messages will include: • Our bad. • Please take solace in the fact that your children were killed by a very expensive, laser-guided smart bomb. • Sorry. That was a mistake. Please accept this coupon for a free sub at Quiznos. • Was your wife truly innocent? I mean, hey, who's really innocent? • Um, sorry about maiming your daughter, but perhaps some levity will lighten the mood. Why did the gorilla log on to the Internet? Give up? To check his chimpanzee-mail! • Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen. But, hey, if a cluster bomb doesn't kill you then something else will, like maybe a rabid bobcat. • You have our deepest condolences.* *Condolences only good for up to three days after bombing. Hopefully, with these sympathetic leaflets in place, the US military will be able to conduct a more responsible bombing campaign, one that will alleviate the stress—not to mention the bad press—of that whole killing-of-innocent-people thing. And that makes this commander feel pretty darn good. Now, lets go bomb the hell out of Iraq!