L e t t e r s Paul's Letters to his Upstairs Neighbors A rare look at correspondence from Paul the Apostle

Dearest Neighbor, The Lord has blessed us with a wonderful dwelling place! Let us rejoice in its goodness and tranquility. Let us relish its sanctity, that which makes this lowly shelter a house of the Lord. More Letters from Paul Paul the Apostle sent this letter to his Mother. Upstairs Neighbors, I greet you with peace, but it has come to my attention that there is a seed of resentment growing in the ways in which we are cohabiting. Your alarm clock awakes me every nine minutes after 5:45 in the early morning hours. Is it not possible for you to arise with the first tones? Yea, I do tend to sleep in as my Lord's work requires much energy. People of the Upstairs Apartment, I have heard a strange clunking sound combined with a mechanical swooshing. Sometimes, laughter follows. Perhaps it is that of the vacuum. This sound tends to occur in the early afternoon. It is the work of evil. You have strayed from our holy Superintendent's agreements. You have begun to wear wooden soled shoes. You fornicate at all hours of the day. You play songs that are not the work of the Lord, but are the work of 311 and Staind. This will not be tolerated by this tenant or the Holy Tenant Whom I Have Invited Into My Home. There is much work to be done. Go about this holy business, but you must abstain from that which is not holy to your downstairs neighbor and your Upstairs Neighbor. Yours, Paul P.S. Please stop propping the front door open and forgetting about it. It's called a "security door" for a reason.