c u l t u r e Bust of Julius Caesar Last Word on Last Words Putting myths of famous quotes to rest By Dave Stinton It must be daunting. You know you're about to die. And you have one chance - one chance! - to say something stirring to the world. Something witty, or heroic, or thought-provoking, that will sum up your life. Not everyone is up to it. In fact, fewer people are up to it than you think. The few witnesses to the final words of a great man or woman will often feel the need to "adjust" that final declaration, in order to preserve the legend surrounding the dying celebrity. Below is a list of "famous last words" attributed to historical figures, alongside what they really said as Death came to sweep them away. Expect a bit of disillusionment, but take heart that, under pressure, the great may find themselves just as incoherent as the small. John Barrymore (1882-1942), accomplished actor and movie star. Attributed: "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." Actual: "Have I wet myself?" Julius Caesar (100-44 B.C.), Roman Imperator. Attributed: "You too, Brutus?" Actual: "Is my hair all puffy today? It feels puffy." John Adams (1735-July 4, 1826), second President of the United States. Attributed: "Thomas Jefferson still survives." Actual: "That rat bastard Jefferson. Have I at least outlived him?" Thomas Jefferson (1743-July 4, 1826), third President of the United States. Attributed: "This is the Fourth?" Actual: "See you in hell, Adams." Dominique Bouhours (1628-1702), French grammarian. Attributed: "I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is used." Actual: "I'm going to die, irregardless of your best efforts." Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968), actor and entertainer. Attributed: "Codeine... Bourbon..." Actual: "Bourbon... Codeine..." Leon Trotsky (1879-1940), exiled communist. Attributed: (to his wife, after a fatal assassination attempt) "I feel this time they have succeeded. I do not want them to undress me. I want you to undress me." Actual: (Quote is accurate, but he actually said it to a visiting Rita Hayworth.) Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish playwright. Attributed: "Either this wallpaper goes or I do." Actual: "I have a great idea for my last words. If it looks like I'm about to die, ask me how I like the wallpaper, and then I'll say, 'Either it goes or I do.' Trust me, it'll be... Oh dear... Quick! Ask me now! Now!!" Charles Darwin (1809-1882), British naturalist. Attributed: "I am not the least afraid to die." Actual: "Would someone please 'naturally select' me a Bible? Hurry." Damon Runyon (1884-1946), American writer and humorist. Attributed: "You can keep the things of bronze and stone and give me one man to remember me just once a year." Actual: "Codeine... Bourbon..." Franz Ferdinand (1863-1914), Archduke of Austria-Hungary. Attributed: "It is nothing. It is nothing." Actual: "Avenge me. Avenge the hell out of me."