Ben Tripton, the exiled scout leader, answers questions about his controversial scouting concepts.

The following is an interview with Ben Tripton, the Boy Scout troop leader expelled from Scouting last June for his unorthodox methods in helping old ladies cross the street.

THE PRODUCE SECTION: Let’s get right to it. Do you think the Boy Scouts of America were justified in expelling you?

BEN TRIPTON: No. Absolutely not. I thought it was very unfair.

TPS: You did try to catapult an old woman across the street.

BT: But I wasn’t trying to be malicious. I was only trying to help her.

TPS: She went through a grocery store window.

BT: Yes, that was unfortunate. The spring was wound too tight. But, again, my intent was to help. You see, too often elderly women are wasting valuable leg strength in crossing the street. I thought a quick ride through the air would provide both comfort and convenience.

TPS: And that was your reasoning behind the now notorious Falcon Lift?

BT: Yes, well, the Falcon Lift started out as a brilliant idea. By training a group of falcons to fly in tandem, I thought I could get them to use their collective strength to carry an elderly woman across a street.

TPS: But instead the falcons would fly off with the elderly women, releasing them at unsafe heights.

BT: Correct.

TPS: Mr. Tripton, what do you think is wrong with the old way of helping elderly women cross the street? What’s so bad about gingerly holding on to an older woman’s arm as she crosses an intersection?

BT: Well, let me answer that question with a question: What was so wrong with feet before the automobile?

TPS: I see your point. But your inventions haven’t improved anything. Indeed, they’ve only maimed 22 elderly women.

BT: [Pretends to fall asleep.]

TPS: Ahem. Let’s talk about the invention that actually got you expelled from the Boy Scouts, the Atomizer 3000.

BT: Ah, yes, the Atomizer 3000. Well, basically, I thought I could transport an elderly woman across the street by electronically breaking down her molecules and making them reappear on the other side of the street. Kind of like what they did on “Star Trek.”

TPS: And you built this device yourself, did you?

BT: Yes.

TPS: Having no scientific, medical, or even basic carpentry training?

BT: Yes.

TPS: You realize, Mr. Tripton, that out of the ten elderly women who used this device, none of them have been seen or heard from again. What do you think happened to these poor women?

BT: I don’t know. But I think their molecules are still out there somewhere. I just got to figure out a way to reassemble them.

TPS: And how are you going to do that?

BT: Glue.

TPS: Glue?

BT: Glue.

TPS: Thank you, Mr. Tripton.

BT: Thank you.

Mike Brumm celebrated getting his new job by flushing large fireworks down his toilet.