C u l t u r e

Exclusive: Russell Crowe's poem Hello. I’m Russell Crowe. As you may have heard, I had a bit of a falling out after the Bafta awards ceremony in England. During my acceptance speech, I read a poem ("Sanctity") by Irish poet Patrick Kavanagh. When the ceremony was aired, I found to my dismay that the poem had been edited out of the broadcast. I consider myself an artist, and when art is under attack, I feel I must attack in response. So I hunted down producer Malcolm Gerrie and wrote a few lines of poetry on his pasty hide - with my fists. Please understand, I am not claiming that Gerrie deserved to have my meaty knuckles ground repeatedly into the back of his neck, or that he should have been made to unleash the effeminate shrieks of a tortured rabbit. Nor am I saying he is an intellectual midget, unfit to lick the arse of a man like Kavanagh. Or that, if it would bring Kavanagh back from the dead, I would not think twice about crushing Gerrie’s spine with the heel of my boot. I can only plead that I am passionate about art in all its forms. So you can imagine my delight in having a second chance. The Bafta awards were to be aired a week later in Australia. I entered my strong suggestion that the poem be broadcast in its entirety. Assured that it would be, I invited many close friends to a "Bafta-soirée" of sorts at my farm in Coffs Harbour. The lads and I enjoyed some Brie and some water crackers, and we looked forward to my overdue televised reading, and to discussing the Kavanagh poem afterwards. Again, the poem was deleted from the broadcast. A moment of wordless eye contact with my mates. We set down our wineglasses, and without changing out of our tuxedoes - indeed, without turning off the telly - we proceeded to the airport. 21 hours later, we had burned Malcolm Gerrie's pommy bastard house to the ground and terrorized his ugly son. If a second chance is rare, then it follows that a third chance is rarer still. I am deeply grateful to The Produce Section for allowing me to present this precious and brief poem to the world. Sanctity by Patrick Kavanagh To be a poet and not know the trade/To be a lover and rep ____________ >>>TRANSFER INTERRUPTED!