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8 Ways To Tell If Your Dog Is Your Best Friend Animal Advice From A Master: Mike Brumm There’s nothing like the friendship between a man and a dog. It’s a friendship built on trust, respect and love. Hence the reason dogs are proudly labeled “man’s best friend.” But how do you know if your dog is really your best friend? How can you be 100% sure he’s not faking it for table scraps or a weekend ride in the Hyundai? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer, but there are certain “tests” you can do to assess your dog’s friendship. Here now are 8 simple things you can do to determine if your dog is indeed your best friend. 1. Ask him to shake hands Nothing says friendship like a playful handshake between man and beast. Ask you four-legged friend to shake hands. If he playfully extends his little paw, then he is undoubtedly a canine worthy of the title "best friend." However, if upon asking him to shake hands he immediately punches you in the family jewels, then, well, you need to look elsewhere for a companion. 2. Ask him, “What’s on top of a house?” Ever since cave man times, man has performed comedic routines with his dog. The present is no exception. Gaily ask your dog “What’s on top of a house?” If he barks “Roof!” then he is truly a good friend. However, if you ask your dog “What’s on top of a house?" and he responds "Go to hell!" then, no, he is probably not your closest chum. Who let the dog in? He did! 3. Ask him to bring you the morning paper Politely ask your dog to fetch you the morning gazette. If he comes back with the metro section neatly folded in his teeth, then you can rest assured you have a friend for life. However, if he comes back with the obituary section with the phrase “You’re Next” written across it, then you may seriously want to consider exchanging your dog for a house cat. 4. Tell him an embarrassing secret Privy your dog to an embarrassing tale about yourself, like, for example, when you wet yourself in the third grade. If he doesn’t laugh and keeps his lips sealed, then he is a righteous confidant. However, if you tell him a secret and the next day all the other dogs are looking at you funny, then he probably told, making him a fiendish fellow. 5. Ask him to help you move Ask your dog to help you move. If he graciously helps you carry your futon to the moving van, then you have a noble comrade by your side. However, if he turns you down to watch a rerun of “Gilmore Girls,” an episode he has already seen, then you should send him packing ASAP. 6. Trap yourself in a burning barn If Lassie has taught us anything, it’s that a good dog will always come to his owner’s rescue. Your dog should be no different. Trap yourself in a burning barn and yell passionately for help. If your dog comes back with the fire department, or at least a man with a pail of water, then he is a friend for life. However, if he comes back with an insurance agent who specializes in life insurance policies, then you can be sure your dog cares more about the sweet benjamins than you. 7. Ask for a kidney When your kidneys have failed, and they will, ask your dog for his spare. If he gladly gives it up without a second thought, then rejoice, for you have the greatest friend in the world. However, if he says okay, but then conveniently forgets to show up on the day of the operation, then your friendship--and maybe even your life--are pretty much kaput. 8. Ask your dog to be your best man Perhaps more than any other occasion, a wedding is something you want to share with your best friend. Ask your dog to be your best man. If he shows up on time bearing the ring, then you have a loving, caring friend. However, if 9 months later your wife gives birth to a litter of puppies, then you know your dog is a D-O-G is every sense of the word. Mike Brumm is celebrating the 10th anniversary of his famous book of poems and meditatons, "Regarding Animal Husbandry," this year.