a d v i c e Preventing Sark Attacks By Dave Stinton This woman's fragile wrinkled dented tiniest self was a Sark attack victim this past July. The summer of 2001 was fraught with tragedy, with mounting reports of Sark attacks in the news. This has brought the danger of Sark into the public consciousness, but how much do we really know about this inspirational self-help artist? The Produce Section presents a guide to Sark encounters, in the hopes of preventing future mishaps. AVOIDANCE Avoid areas frequented by snails. Sark likes to watch them making love. If you come across posted signs that read, "Yes!," find an alternate route. Do not under any circumstances investigate your dark places with a flashlight. DETECTION If you encounter hand-written aphorisms, get out of the watercolors quickly and quietly. Be alert to the activity of surrounding women. If they begin acting wild and/or succulent, Sark may be present. Watch for hyphenated words involving "full": wonder-full, color-full, joy-full. These may seem like simple spelling errors, but are often a signal that Sark is lurking somewhere nearby. IDENTIFICATION Sark can be identified by the creative spirit rushing, flowing, tumbling, leaking out of her. She can be found bathing naked by moonlight, sleeping in a traveling dream chair, or cradling her wounded places like precious babies. If you see Sark, remain confident. She can sense low self-esteem and will try to pluck up your spirits by proclaiming you "juicy" or admiring your outrageous wardrobe. WORST-CASE SCENARIO How Sark attacks: she will most likely approach you in the rain, take a bite out of you, then lick you off her bare shoulder. She may try to plant "permission flags" on and around you. DENY YOURSELF PERMISSION. It is your last line of defense. If you wake from a nap believing that angels have come out to take special care of you as you slept, seek emergency help. Remember: Sark has evolved over millions of years to attack self-loathing. She is nature’s perfect feminine nurturing machine. When you buy yourself flowers, paint your soul, or put food coloring in your bath water, you are invading her territory. Sark attacks are easy to prevent. There is no reason we cannot live side-by-side in harmony.