p u b l i c s e r v i c e Surviving In A Post-Webvan World Cleanup in Chapter XI To: Webvan Customers From: Robert Swan, Chief Executive, Webvan Group Inc. For two years, you have relied on us for home delivery of groceries, books, and Russian brides. But as you’ve no doubt heard by now, Webvan has closed its doors, inasmuch as we had "doors" to close. (We realize that our lack of doors was one of the things that endeared us to you. Doors mean pushing, walking, placing weight onto pressure-sensitive pads – activities that today’s goods-consumers don’t have time for.) Any Webvan purchases you have yet to receive will not be arriving. As bankruptcy became imminent, many of our drivers splintered off into guerilla groups, hijacking our fleet of vans for drag racing, vigilante product-delivery, "Death Race 2000"-style killing sprees, and other unauthorized activity. Though they wear the Webvan insignia, please know that they are not acting under the authority of Webvan. Also, I’m going to sell your credit card numbers to criminals. I apologize to all of you in advance for this. But I cannot with a clean conscience leave you like soft, naked, shell-less mollusks in a cruel world without delivery windows or e-coupons. Here are a few helpful pieces of advice for dealing with non-Webvan grocery purchases. 1) Get dressed before shopping. Your days of standing nude before vast, virtual shelves of merchandise are behind you. 2) Familiarize yourself with the primitive, "literal" version of the "shopping cart." It is no longer an electronic list, comprised of items you have merely pointed to. Hoist the products you wish to purchase and set them in the rattling metal basket-on-wheels. The world is a bulky, awkward, noisy, smelly place. Be brave. 3) I can’t stress this enough: Shoplift. Security in analog grocery stores is far inferior to that of online commercial sites. Take advantage. Remember: these are the bastards who took Webvan away from you. Good luck, my friends. Perhaps we’ll do business again someday. If you’re interested, I am selling one of my kidneys on eBay. Bidding starts at $10,000. Sincerely, Robert.