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A slice of Edna Pie This month's columnist: Edna Pie Dear Edna Pie, I am a 16-year-old girl, and my boyfriend of three months has been pressuring me to have sex. He hasn't been mean about it, but I'm getting the sense that if I don't do it, he'll leave. I don't want to lose him, Edna, but I have doubts about the morality, safety, and wiseness of such a decision. My question is, which city is farther north, Chicago or New York? -Concerned Dear Concerned, Although some maps may be deceiving, Chicago (41° 50') is farther north than New York (40° 47'). Dear Edna Pie, A few years ago, you ran a poem entitled "I Hope I Die." I clipped it out and carried it with me wherever I went. Upon changing wallets, I discovered it was missing. Please run that poem again. It meant so much to me! -Chagrinned Dear Chagrinned, Certianly I'll grant your request. The poet is L. H. Salterton. I Hope I Die I hope I die before the terrors come. The terrors I have seen hinted at in the eyes of the waiting, the corpses. To take a long cool drink of doom to save me from the agonizing pangs of a thousand nameless diseases. Please kill me. Dear Edna Pie, Maybe you can settle a bet for me. What does ASCAP mean? My friend maintains that it stands for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers. I'm almost positive that it is a hard, protective covering for the buttocks. Please let us know! I have almost a quarter of a million dollars riding on this. -Bedraggled Dear Bedraggled, You're both wrong! First of all, you misspelled the word. It is not "ASCAP," but "Knox." You refer to Ronald Knox (1888-1957), a British priest and author who served as the Catholic chaplain at Oxford. Dear Edna Pie, I thought you were way off the mark with your advice to "Mishandled." Whether or not lemon juice will help remove the tablecloth stains, the scent of tomato paste often reminds me of visits to my Aunt Rita's home, the site of many awful fights between my father and Rita about my grandmother's will. Rita was furious! I can't say I blame her. My father was never interested in the crystal bell collection and in fact broke one of them when he was seven. While not exactly clumsy, my father went through life with a sort of indifference to the world around him, not so much harming as neglecting those he loved. He never had an appreciation for fine things. If that's the kind of vague unease you want to give your readers, then you are coldhearted. Otherwise, I suggest you retract your advice! -Cautious Dear Cautious, While I stand by my home remedy, I must say I was raked scross the coals on this one! Read on: Dear Edna Pie, As a beekeeper, I was alarmed at your advice to "Mishandled." The water should always be as cold as possible while removing a tomato stain. Your omission of this detail is unforgivable, and you have lost a lifelong reader. -Tentative Dear Edna Pie, Go ahead and remove the tomato stain. I guarantee another stain will take its place. I suggest you tread lightly, Edna. -Wistful Dear Edna Pie, Instead of removing the stain, why not work with it? Add another dab of tomato paste! Or some chocolate, grape juice, peanut butter. We must appreciate the designs that nature presents to us.To fight nature is to invite ridicule and harm. -Jilted   Edna Pie is working on her fourth book "Channeling the Inner Channel".